GRiVEN

What seems like a very long time ago, I wanted to be a comic book artist. I wanted to have my first comic book published before I ever turned twenty-four years old. I entered my freshman year of university as a studio art major. By the end of my freshman year, I was convinced that I didn't have the talent to be what I dreamed of being. I came to this belief partial because I was working with artists far better than myself and partially because I had some art teachers that hated my style of drawing, but ultimately because I had lost confidence in myself and my dream.

As the years have passed, I have grown harder and harder on myself and my art. Ironically, I draw better than I ever could before. I realize now that giving up on my dreams had been a stupid things. Why had I quit? Because some nineteen year old kid drew better than I could? Fuck. Who cares? Besides most the kids that drew better than I could probably only got there because they never had to work a day in there life. Or maybe they were just more motivated than me, more true to themselves and their dreams. I really don't know. I do know that I have been wasting time and valuable experience though. Had I not given up on myself, had I not become a self-pitying asshole, maybe I could have my first comic book published already. I really believe that's a possibility. I use to draw everyday. That's hasn't been true for at least two years. Maybe if I hadn't given up, I would be a great artist by now.

Anyways, I see now that drawing comics is what I really want to do. And that I won't get better by sitting around, feeling sorry for my "lost talent" that was never there to begin with. I'm going to try to start drawing everyday again. I've made some changes to my life and my living space that should make that a reality. Maybe I'll get better, maybe I won't, but it's worth a goddamn try.

To anybody that thinks that the election of Barack Obama as president of the United States has somehow brought racism and inequality to an end: You are fucking dense, sir.

Simply look at how many laws just passed banning gay marriage. The laws were essentially passed because if gay marriage is legal, there will be gay rights, and oh no, equal treatment of fellow human beings. I don't need laws and religion to tell me I'm not gay. Maybe some people do. Really though, I don't see a whole lot of difference between the suppression of black people in the past and the suppression of gays now. People use their religion to take away basic rights from others.

Earlier this year, in California, the Supreme Court found that is was not legal to withhold the right to marriage from gay people. Shortly there after, Proposition 8 was started to make sure it was legal to take away this right. The ad for Prop 8 basically states that if gay people were allowed to marry, people would have to accept gay people into their church, and that their children might get taught that homosexuality is an acceptable lifestyle choice. Apparently being gay is highly contagious. So contagious in fact, that if being gay is not against the law, you are required to buttfuck your best friend. This is not really something that I am personally afraid of. I don't need the sheriff to tell me not to fuck another man, I feel that that is a decision I would come to on my own. But why shouldn't I be allowed to have sex with another man, to have a long loving relationship with another man if that's what I wanted? Is that so wrong? Would the world come to an end? I think not.

I think that people cling to these ideas, these fears, because they don't understand themselves. They don't understand gay people. They are afraid of a gay man (or woman?) wanting to have sex with them, or afraid that if it was acceptable, they just might buttfuck their best friend. After all, Frank's mouth does look awful pretty when he's eating all those nachos on guys' night... Who wouldn't want to fuck Frank, right? No? You don't feel me? Then shut the fuck up, you're not gay. Let the gays live their lives because they ARE gay and they don't hate themselves for it. Stop trying to make other people's lives miserable because you can't man up about whether you want to fuck Frank or not.

That is all.

I'm working on a couple of projects right now. I have the sketch/ink of some Silent Hill nurse porn done. The problem is, I don't have a definite way of moving my art from paper to computer. 8D And I have no job/ money to buy a new scanner. Good times.

Man, I've driven at least 3,500 miles in the past week and a half. I still feel pretty tired. As you could probably guess, my car looks like shit now. I spent $50 on cleaning supplies so I can finally wash my car. I feel bad about what it's been through. I'm washing my car for that reason, but also so some ladies can see me on the street. ;D But mostly because I feel bad for my car.

I need to find a job. I was hoping for my old factory job, but it looks like no new positions are going to open up till maybe January or February. That being the case, I'm looking at getting a job at the store nearest my house... Wal-Mart. *shivers* The idea of working at Wal-Mart doesn't thrill me. However, I do live in a fairly wealthy neighborhood so it's actually not THAT bad. It looks like there are a couple of babes working there somehow. Not really sure how that happened, but it would be cool to work with them. Anyways, I hope somebody's hiring. I need money.

I'm finally home after almost a week of driving across the entire United States. I was surprised how poor the majority of the country is. I have only lived in California and Rhode Island, and the last time I traveled to the middle of the country I was eight. I never remembered the country looking so poor when I was little. On my latest excursion, I stopped in several places and feeling completely out of place. Alien. Then again, I do look and act like a surfer most the time. Maybe that sets me apart from the general population. It's just so strange how different the country is everywhere you go. It's amazing that we all stay together.

Anyways, I am just glad to be home.

After hearing some positive things about SH: Homecomming, and the fact that the game borrows from chapters in the series that I like, I decided to pick it up. Anyways, I'm in the midst of moving so I more than likely won't get a chance to play the game at all till next week.

What I found interesting however was that the main character in Silent Hill is twenty-two years old (my age) and resembles me a fair amount. I was reading the instruction manual and it was talking about how Alex (the main character) is going back home to his town in New England. Which is exactly what I'm doing. Then it was talking about how people are going missing in his home town and things like that. One of my friends went missing the year I left home, and there are stories about monsters and vampires near the area I used to live.

What kind of place am I moving back to?

EDIT: Oh yeah, I just remembered. There's an old abandoned hospital that's supposed to be haunted like eight miles from my house too.

I haven't got much of anything done lately. Babysitting my step-mom is pretty much a full-time job. My dad is unwilling to admit how far my step-mom's Alzheimer's has progressed, and therefor is unwilling to get her proper care. She needs a full-time nurse. I'm not a full-time nurse. It's too much stress and my dad isn't willing to do anything to relieve the burden for me. For that reason, I'm moving back to the east coast over the next week or two. I'm going to drive across country. It might be fun, or at least I hope it will be.

I really hope my dad understands. I'm twenty-two. I'm not going to spend the next ten years of my life looking after some woman (that I've only known for three years) that just gets crazier everyday. I'm especially not going to waste my time looking after her when my dad and my step-mom's family don't really seem to be doing anything to help her. Sure, she's on meds, but that's about it. Other than that I have to spend eight to ten hours each day with my step-mom. Then my dad gets home he makes diner and they go to bed. Then the cycle starts over. The cycle of my step-mom knocking on my bedroom door every five minutes, her trying to leave the house, her repeating every word I say if I'm talking to somebody on the phone, her crying because my dad's not home yet, and her asking every ten minutes when my dad is going to be home. It's like dealing with a two year old. Only rather than her learning new stuff everyday and getting better, she forgets more and gets worse. It's too much. I can't deal with it. I feel bad having to leave my dad behind with her, but at the same time, it's not my job to watch her all by myself every single day.

I can't take being stuck in my small-nowhere-town anymore. It's depressing and stressful looking after my step-mom each day, and it's disheartening being so far away for anything that matters. I need to be back in university. I need to be doing a job I like. I don't want to be thirty-two, with no college degree, living in my dad's house, still looking after my step-mom. That where I see myself if I don't move. That's why I'm leaving. Hopefully this helps my dad wake up, get my step-mom some care, and move on with his life.

I love the Professor Layton and the Curious Village game on the DS. The sequel to the first game, Professor Layton and Pandora's Box, came out nearly a year ago in Japan. I'm really hoping to hear some kind of news about the sequel coming state-side. In the US instruction manual the game already talked about the sequel coming out soon. I guess it's only been seven months since the first game came out in the US though. Maybe I need to calm down. I just hope this isn't one of those instances where I get screwed out of a storyline because Nintendo doesn't think people want to play the sequel. Hopefully something get's announced in the next couple months. Maybe Pandora's Box is going to come out in February like the first game did. This is the only game that's I've cared about in a while. By that I mean, I'm checking pretty much on a daily basis to see if anything has been announced.

ALWAYS have a glass of water for every alcoholic drink you have. Srsly.

@A@

Somebody setup a little homemade spike-strip behind one of my car's tires. Luckily, my dad noticed it when he left for work. It was a little strip of rubber with some nails in it. Pretty weird. I don't know anybody that hates me enough to try to sabotage me. I'm a little bit paranoid now that whoever it was, might try something else.

Anyways, later.

Update: Somebody also ripped off my car antenna.